


A Happy Ending

by s1lverwren



Series: 12 days of christmas [2]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Fix-It, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Episode: s10e13 Nelson's Sparrow, gideon is already dead so technically it's not a major character death, look man they handled this so horribly, route 66 moment but instead of haley it's gideon, there was so much potential and they really just said to hell with it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:55:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,699
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27928645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/s1lverwren/pseuds/s1lverwren
Summary: After finding Gideon's killer, Spencer realizes what was happening around him and he could hardly bear it.(post-nelson's sparrow fix-it)
Relationships: Jason Gideon & Spencer Reid
Series: 12 days of christmas [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2045071
Kudos: 18





	A Happy Ending

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr saw it first.

_How_ _many victims have we seen? How many crime scenes? Hundreds? Thousand?_

It was both a blessing and a curse to have an eidetic memory. Yes, he could recall even the most minute detail from any of his experiences which proved to only benefit him in this line of work, but he could not forget either. Thus, Gideon’s parting words to him echoed through his mind, chanting and imprinting in every nook.

There was no escape.

Just as they always do, he and his team caught the “bad guy.” It did not really matter, though. Gideon was already dead. He never had a chance. 

Just as they always do, he and his team were cleaning away the evidence of a case solved. They took down the newspaper clippings, the photos, the maps, the triangulations- they took down it all. It was almost as if the heinous crimes they had seen had never happened.

Just as they always do, he and his team piled into government-issued SUVs leaving the crime scene for one final time. In most cases, they would never return. For most of them, they would forget about it in due time. Not him, though. He could never forget. 

The problem was that this was not _just_ some case. There was no way there could be “just as they always do”s.

So, as he climbed into the SUV- license plate 90VFA4- he looked around at his colleagues, his friends, _his family._ He had worked with some of them upwards of ten years; he could say with much confidence that he could read them well. 

None of them cared. They were treating this like it was just another routine case. That was their mentor, their colleague, their friend, _their family_ , that they had just solved the case for. It was not just a random person. It was… Gideon. And they didn’t care. 

JJ was staring back at him when he pulled himself from his thoughts. Her brows were ever so slightly furrowed, and she examined him with the look of a concerned mother. 

“Are you okay?”

Her words were light and sweet like syrup on pancakes. They coated not just a question but a gentle offer for a conversation where he could relinquish his thoughts to her.

“I’m fine.”  
  
His words were brisk, harsh, and cold like wind on a November night. They were rejection in its finest form. Two words that held so much more meaning than seemingly possible.

Her eyes bore holes into him, and it felt like she could peer into his mind. “You don’t look fine.”

“Then stop looking.”

She seemed taken aback by his statement, shoulders tightening and eyebrows raising. But, she got the message loud and clear: _Back off_. JJ turned back around so she was facing away from him and towards the windshield. 

He leaned back against the headrest and closed his eyes. It wasn’t long before he drifted off into an uneasy sleep.

_In this line of work, I was afraid I would lose the ability to trust, but I’ve realized I can’t really look at anyone without seeing their death. And as bad as losing your faith in humanity seems, losing your faith in happy endings is much worse._

His eyes flitted open, and he had to raise a hand to shield them from the sudden brightness that greeted him. The contrast dimmed as his eyes adjusted, and he found himself not sitting in the SUV as expected, but rather a dingy diner booth. The seat in front of him was empty, but there was a basket of fries and a glass of water. It was as if he was expecting someone. 

He knew it was a dream. He researched them when his mother first started to show signs of sickness. Maybe there was some sort of link when it came to dreams and the reality distortion that she was experiencing. It was a desperate attempt, even he knew that, but he found comfort in the words that surrounded him in the endeavor. 

The doorbell clanged, and he moved his attention to the front of the diner. A figure approached his booth, but that would be all he could describe about it. It was almost as if JJ had changed the office television to the wrong channel and the screen was filled with a black-and-white static. He squeezed his eyes shut once, twice, three times, before the figure came into focus. 

Gideon was sitting down across from him, that same omniscient smile that so often spread across his face gracing it now. 

“Hello, Spencer.”

His mouth fell open. Even if it was just a dream, having his late mentor speak to him as if he was still living was something that was hard for even him to compute. 

He mustered every word in his vocabulary to greet the still smiling man across from him. “Hi.”

That aforementioned grin grew into more of a smirk. “You look like hell. I’m sure this is a trying time for you.”  
  
The initial shock was beginning to wear off and anger began to bubble within him. “You could say that.”  
  
Gideon raised a knowing brow, cocking his head to the side a little. “Got something to say?”

_Biggest trap for a profiler to fall into is pride. Forgetting that, for all your skills, profiling is just a tool._

“A few somethings.”  
  
Reminiscent of all those times when they would just sit after a case, Gideon leaned back into the booth and looked at him expectantly. He would never verbally invite his protege to speak but would always have an air about him that just invited the confidence to do so.

Speak he did.  
  
“Why would you chase after Mallick, fully knowing that you no longer had the arsenal of tools you did the first time you attempted to do so? Why did you leave? Well, I know why you left. You did leave that letter explaining but I know that is not actually why you left. Why-”  
  
The older man held out his hands in front of him. “Slow down, I can hardly understand you when you go on these tangents.”  
  
The smile never left his face.

“I chased after him because I knew I would never be able to live with myself knowing that I had just let the one lead that emerged in thirty years just…” he splayed his fingers in the air before clutching them into a tight fist, “slip through my fingers.”

He nodded. After Maeve, he had thought over every possible way that he could have talked Diane down. He knew that there was no chance, if he could do it all over again, that he would let the obvious clues of her identity pass by him again. 

Gideon was still talking. “I figured I could do basic reconnaissance and get the information I needed about the new developments. I didn’t think that this Tara would be the same Tara Barnett from nearly forty years ago.” He paused for a moment and time seemed to freeze around the pair. 

“So you decided to lure him out because you knew he was active again?” he asked, trying to push the explanation along.

Gideon didn’t respond immediately but stared at him before speaking up with a smile, “I like your hair like that. Much better than the old greasier stuff you used to have to try and seem older.”

He reached up and touched his hair gently, wallowing in the old profiler’s praise. 

“Yes, I tried to lure him out,” the former agent said, rather noncommittally. “It worked better than expected. But that’s not what you’re really worried about.”

He didn’t ask if it was. He knew. 

“No. No, it is not.”

There was a heavy sigh from across the booth. “I left because I needed to. I had to or you wouldn’t have found a letter in an empty cabin, but rather a gun with its bullets used.”

The images of what would have been flashed through his mind rapidly and he took a sharp breath to will them away.

“I told the truth in that letter. I had nothing. I didn’t have the belief in the job I used to have, and I didn’t have the belief in myself that I needed.”

A pregnant pause filled the diner after Gideon fell silent again.  
  
He cleared his throat. “Did- did you find it?”

“Find what?”  
  
“In your letter, you said, ‘I guess I’m just looking for it again. For the belief I had back in college. The belief I had when I first met Sarah and it all seemed so right. The belief in happy endings.’ Did you find it?”

Once again, he was examined by Gideon. “It’s not a tangible thing, belief in yourself. It’s more of a construct, if you will.”

“That is not really an answer.”

Gideon slid out of the booth and stood over him. He glanced at the clock hanging over the doorway and sighed. “It’s time to go. You need to wake-up, you’ll be getting back soon. And I… well, I have people to see.”

He stood up so they were face to face. Even in this dream, he was taller and had to peer down at the smiling man.

“Look, Reid. I know me leaving was hard on you. It was hard on me, too. But, I really think it was necessary for both of us.”

He answered in a small voice, and he felt like that twenty-two year old kid all over again, “Yeah, I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do.”

Those as his final words, Gideon stepped away and towards the exit. The doorbell clanged as he swung the door open. Before he stepped through, he paused, his knuckles whitening on the doorknob. He looked back, a glassy look in his eyes. “Would you tell Stephen I’m sorry?”

He received a light nod, and that smile came back. Then, Gideon was gone.

Spencer had that same smile gracing his lips as he woke up.

_Is death ever worth it? Was the world always this gray? Is it only in the movies that it’s black and white? Was that just an illusion?_


End file.
